Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Four Month Milestones

The baby's four month birthday just passed (good time to learn what "belated" means, kid!).  A few new things:

1. Grabs toes with his hand.  Mostly left hand to left foot, but I swear I saw right hand to left foot.  And if you guide his hand, you can get him to grab both feet at once!

2.  Rolls over onto left side.  Basically he lifts his legs up and falls to one side.  Nice work, kid.

3.  A few real laughs.  Most of the time his laughs sound like he's choking.  Heard a few laughs that sound like laughs.  

4. Hugged his dad.  Sort of.  He was kind of just hanging on, while I was carrying him around... But I'll take it.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Truths of Fatherhood

So far, there appears to be at least five self-evident, unalienable truths of being a new dad.

There could possibly be more.  (For the reason why I have only discovered five fatherhood truths, please refer to the name of this site...)

Truths written in fabricated old-English...just because.


Time Hath Two Speeds: Warp Speed and Frozen

Sometimes, you'll be playing with your son and think, "I wonder if it's noon yet?"

Then you'll look at the clock and see that it's 7pm.

Other times, crying times, - and especially screaming times, when New Mom has stepped out the house and won't be back for an hour - a half-hour will pass and you'll think, "That was a long half hour."

Then you'll look at the clock and realize only 2 minutes have gone by.


Thy Will Forgeteth Thy Self

There was time when you exercised and thought the way you looked mattered.

Now, if you happen to catch your reflection in the mirror, there are times it will actually take you by surprise, and you'll think, "Jesus, that's what I look like today?"

The answer to your question is: "Not just today..."


Thy Sleep Trick Only Works Once Per Day

Oh, bouncing on the fitness ball while cradling him in your arms put him to sleep?  Nice work.

But wait, he's up again.  And he will not be soothed by bouncing.  I repeat, bouncing will not work, dad.  Get creative.



There Is No Morning, Afternoon, Evening - Thy Day Is Divided In Two: Coffee Time and Miller Time.*

It's up to you to decide when one ends, and the other begins.  At this moment, it is 5pm on a Sunday, and we're still in Coffee Time. Next Sunday, however, this same time could be many hours "Miller Time."


Whatever Thy Does Not Wish To Land On The Floor, WILL Land On The Floor

Burp cloth?  Check.  Pacifier?  Yep.  Your own food?  Of course.  Shoes?  Sometimes.


Whenever Thou Wishes To Make The LEAST Amount Of Noise, Thou Will Surely Be The Loudest

Let me just pick up this water glass...I mean, drop it on a metal pan, and have both come crashing to the floor...as has never happened in the history of mankind.



While Mom Feedith Thy Baby, Thou Shalt Be Productive

This one got its own entire post.. Check it out:  What To Do While Your Wife Nurses

Thy Burp Cloths Will Be Sparse When Needed, Abundant When Not Needed


If Mom Asketh How Goeth Thy Sleep, Never Sayith "Good."

The only acceptable answer is "OK" and even that takes finess to get the tone just right: not too heavy, not too light.

---

Is that five fatherhood truths already?

No it's eight.  Here's the ninth.

Thou Shalt Loose Many Brain Functions, Including The Ability To Count

Seriously

-ND

---
*A common expression for the time of day in which one begins injecting alcoholic beverages.  Most likely etymology: beer commercials of the 1970s and 1980s.

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Two Most Relevant Movie Moments to Fatherhood

The two scenes - well, actually moments - that keep coming to mind with this kid are not what you think.  They're not some parenting movie, they're not even movies with kids.  They're

1. Indiana Jones, weighing the sand bag, attempting to snatching the idol, and then..snatch!  He got it!  He's home free!  Except....oh no..

It's like that, except the giant boulder is a screaming kid.  You didn't lay him down smooth enough.

2. The scene in HEAT where De Niro tells Pacino: Do not let yourself get attached to anything that you can't leave in 30 seconds if you feel the heat coming around the corner...

In other words, don't start any 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles in the living room...or any project that you can't walk away from in 30 seconds or less if you feel the heat (a.k.a. baby screaming) coming from the other room..


Sunday, April 27, 2014

What to Do While Your Wife Nurses the Baby

What To Do While Your Wife Nurses the Baby

You might think that the time while your wife nurses the baby is free time for new dads, where you can sit back, have a cold one, and watch the "game."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Remember everything you were planning on getting done, but then you had to go to work or watch the baby or go to work or watch the baby or eat or sleep or go to work or watch the baby?

What are those things?  Here are a few.*

-Wash the dishes from yesterday

-Fold the clothes from three days ago

-Put air in the car tires, so that warning light that came on two weeks ago will go away.

-Buy milk

-Walk the sad, sad, dog.

-50+ other equally urgent things...

-Exercise! (Just kidding!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Most likely, the thought of everything you have to do, combined with your actual exhaustion will lead you to do what us new father's usually do when mom nurses:  Take a nap.

What you DON'T want to do: Waste time.

Because if she has to do something - feed the kid - why do you get to relax?

And before you say it, no, "sleep" is not relaxing.  Sleep is legitimate free time.

In other words, if your partner is feeding or taking care of the baby and thinks your not doing something to contribute, that could spell trouble.

Of course, you can relax ever now and then.  But maybe do it when MOM is also relaxing.  That way, one person won't feel like they're missing out.

And if you do try to relax while she nurses the baby, you have be be very, very slick.

In other words, when she asks, (hypothetically), "What you are doing on the computer?
 Always answer, "Paying bills."

Do NOT say, "just surfing the internet," "watching YouTube videos," or especially, "writing a blog about what not to do while your wife is nursing."

You might think that last one would get at least a chuckle.

But there's really no energy to chuckle.

In other words, I gotta go.

Good luck, and get some sleep.

-ND

---
* I'm not creating hypothetical errands - this is actually a list of things I should be doing instead of blogging.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Three Month Milestones

The baby just passed his 3 month "birthday."

Milestones include:

-Grabbing things, like his shirt
-lying around unattended (I mean, we're just in the other room, but we don't have to hold him, and he doesn't go apeshit)
-Occasionally sleeping 4-7 hour stretches.  Only done the 7-hr stretch a couple times... Really wish that would happen more often, and a little later than 8pm-3am...
-Palmed a small, tiger-faced ball and threw it.  I know this is involentary, but I gotta mark it down *
-First trip to Costco (also, second trip)
-First trip to Ralphs (sorry, kid, I know their selection and quality is sub-par)
-Walks in stroller are better, and is even OK when the dog comes along

Parents' milestones
-Eat most meals while he lies down
-Most evenings free
-Starting to take baby on more walks / outings

-ND

* 4-23-14 - Baby's first throw / fastball / hook-shot (baby hook?).  Seriously.



Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Milestone: Grabbing things

Sometime a few days ago, the boy started grabbing things.

He could always grab your finger when you put it in his hand. He did that in the recovery room right after he was born.

But now he can grab things.  I noticed he grabbed my hair and my shirt last week while I was holding him on my shoulder, but thought maybe his hand just got caught.

Then, a few days ago, he grabbed his diaper while I was changing him.  He had it in his right hand, and I had to tug it away from him.  There was no arguing with him to convince him that no, he did not want to be holding this dirty diaper.

Now he grabs his knees sometimes when he's getting changed, or his swaddle blanket, or the horse-rattle thing on his changing table.


Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Best Raymond Chandler Books - A List

*Edited November 2014 - Read some more Chandler, added some more books to the ranking...

So far, I've read more for pleasure than I have in many, many years.  (I would say how many years it has been, but I'm too tired to remember.)

Reading is one of those things you can do for recreation and not feel like you're wasting time.  And of course, you can do it with one hand as your newborn sleeps on your shoulder and you'll be damned if you're moving this time, no, you're going to let him sleep there for the next hour or two (hopefully!) and not risk any movement.

In the case of the latter, it's helpful to have a book handy.  So far, I've read only Raymond Chandler books.  Some of them, in parts, out loud to my son.  Don't worry, he wasn't harmed.

If you've never heard of, or read Raymond Chandler, I'll skip the obligatory "What the hell is wrong with you!" and just say, "You're missing out."

Here's Raymond Chandler's Wikipedia page.  Yep, he wrote detective novels in the 1930s-1950s.  They're mostly set in the Los Angeles area.  The main character is the same - Phillip Marlowe.

And Chandler really is the master.

If you like writing, Los Angeles, or the 1930s-1950s, you should eat this stuff up.  I know I do.

So, here's my breakdown so far of the Raymond Chandler books I've read while having a newborn, And if I can read them with a baby and a full time job, you can read them too.

Here they are, listed in order of best to worst.

1. The High Window

You get it all -  great plot twists, crazy characters, and a whole lot of smart talk - especially between Marlowe and the old, wealthy woman.

This is Chandler in fine form. Not as much good "women" but that's OK, because I always found that to be the weakest part of Chandler novels.  Yeah, his dames usually don't quite hold up.  Yes, there are exceptions, and they will be mentioned.

2. Farewell, My Lovely

Amazing scenes and a full, rich, disturbing world.  The wandering story that somehow ties together at the end. But story doesn't matter, as this one is all about just going along with Marlowe, and digging deeper and deeper until he's literally under water.

3. The Lady in The Lake

A little uneven as it has two locations - the lake and the city.  But it's still quality stuff, and the old sheriff at the lake is one of the best secondary characters Chandler ever created.

4. Playback

Playback is a short, quick, flurry of a novel, and the best introduction to Chandler's works.  Hear me out.

Read somewhere that this was supposed to be a screenplay.  Makes sense, as it reads like a movie.  As Chandler explains in his introduction to Trouble Is My Business (below), his main goal in writing is to write a good scene.

There are enough good scenes in this one to carry the story, which is basically Marlowe going down to the San Diego area to check out a missing woman situation.  Oh yes, there are women.  And murder. (or is there?)

This book reads so, so quickly and has fast witty dialog and sassy scenes, that it leaves you wanting more. Which is why it's probably the best introduction to Chandler for the newcomer...

5. The Big Sleep

His most famous book, and also his first.  There's a lot of the "pulp" formula, where EVERYTHING is revealed in the last few pages, but it's still very solid stuff.

Also, you'll realize THE BIG LEBOWSKI stole so much from this book.  Including the title.  Sort of.

6. The Long Goodbye

Holy sh*t, a title has never been more appropriate.  The "goodbye" is really long, as are the scenes.  It's long on characters, short on plot, but still has enough mystery to keep you going until the end.

7. The Little Sister

I read somewhere that Chandler spent a lot of time in Hollywood, and then he wrote this book.  That's what it feels like - a big middle finger to show business.  Still readable, and Chandler manages to throw in some unforgettable writing.

8. Trouble Is My Business

Collection of short stories - about 50 pages each - Chandler wrote for pulp magazines throughout his career.  The introduction is by far the best part, written by the master himself.  Chandler basically apologies for the stories, saying he was constrained by editors who just wanted sex and violence, but also talks spouts off on a few different topics, including writing and why the genre he wrote in never gets any respect.

And after reading the stories, you realize the reason for the apologies.  These stories are pretty weak.

The first, eponymous story, is rough stuff.  Marlowe isn't that likable, as he cares more about doing a job for the money than in any other story.

The other three are a lot better, but still, filled with way too many shootings than necessary, and way too little sassyness from Marlowe.

9. Poodle Springs

This is the last Chandler that I read.  Just when I thought I had read all of Chandler, Amazon has to rear it's ugly head and say, Hey!  Did you know he co-wrote one last book!

Apparently Chandler wrote four chapters of this one, and a modern-day writer (Robert Parker) wrote the rest. To say, "it shows," is like saying you can tell the difference between the original Star Trek and Star Trek the next generation.

Yeah, no shit it's different, but it's the same world, and every once in a while Marlowe seems like the old Marlowe.  And by the time you realize that there are many imperfect parts (Would Marlowe really say, "Yowza," or point at someone with his hands pretending it's a gun?) you're too invested in the story to put it down.

10. The Simple Art of Murder

Another collection of short stories.  Introductory essay is great.  Stories, not so much, except the last one.  In fact, just read the intro and the final story.  Seriously.

Alright.  Now I'm done.

I think.

Onto Hammett.  (No, really.)