So far, there appears to be at least five self-evident, unalienable truths of being a new dad.
There could possibly be more. (For the reason why I have only discovered five fatherhood truths, please refer to the name of this site...)
Truths written in fabricated old-English...just because.
Time Hath Two Speeds: Warp Speed and Frozen
Sometimes, you'll be playing with your son and think, "I wonder if it's noon yet?"
Then you'll look at the clock and see that it's 7pm.
Other times, crying times, - and especially screaming times, when New Mom has stepped out the house and won't be back for an hour - a half-hour will pass and you'll think, "That was a long half hour."
Then you'll look at the clock and realize only 2 minutes have gone by.
Thy Will Forgeteth Thy Self
There was time when you exercised and thought the way you looked mattered.
Now, if you happen to catch your reflection in the mirror, there are times it will actually take you by surprise, and you'll think, "Jesus, that's what I look like today?"
The answer to your question is: "Not just today..."
Thy Sleep Trick Only Works Once Per Day
Oh, bouncing on the fitness ball while cradling him in your arms put him to sleep? Nice work.
But wait, he's up again. And he will not be soothed by bouncing. I repeat, bouncing will not work, dad. Get creative.
There Is No Morning, Afternoon, Evening - Thy Day Is Divided In Two: Coffee Time and Miller Time.*
It's up to you to decide when one ends, and the other begins. At this moment, it is 5pm on a Sunday, and we're still in Coffee Time. Next Sunday, however, this same time could be many hours "Miller Time."
Whatever Thy Does Not Wish To Land On The Floor, WILL Land On The Floor
Burp cloth? Check. Pacifier? Yep. Your own food? Of course. Shoes? Sometimes.
Whenever Thou Wishes To Make The LEAST Amount Of Noise, Thou Will Surely Be The Loudest
Let me just pick up this water glass...I mean, drop it on a metal pan, and have both come crashing to the floor...as has never happened in the history of mankind.
While Mom Feedith Thy Baby, Thou Shalt Be Productive
This one got its own entire post.. Check it out:
What To Do While Your Wife Nurses
Thy Burp Cloths Will Be Sparse When Needed, Abundant When Not Needed
If Mom Asketh How Goeth Thy Sleep, Never Sayith "Good."
The only acceptable answer is "OK" and even that takes finess to get the tone just right: not too heavy, not too light.
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Is that five fatherhood truths already?
No it's eight. Here's the ninth.
Thou Shalt Loose Many Brain Functions, Including The Ability To Count
Seriously
-ND
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*A common expression for the time of day in which one begins injecting alcoholic beverages. Most likely etymology: beer commercials of the 1970s and 1980s.
