Originally posted March 2014; Edited and updated October 2015
Are you going to be a father for the first time? Congrats!
Are you preparing for first-time fatherhood by reading parenting blogs? Good news! This is the last thing you'll ever need to read before becoming a dad!
One more thing: Bad news! All that isn't true.
But since you're here, this short list will help.
1. Practice doing everything with one hand.
When putting that baby down might result in a scream storm, you learn to adjust.
So start adjusting early! Cook, empty the trash, do laundry, play video games, open doors, DO EVERYTHING with just one hand. Doesn't matter which hand. In fact, practice with both. I heard it's good for your brain. (Citation needed.)
ADVANCED PREPARATION: In the hand you're not using, carry a boom box that plays whatever music sounds like a screaming baby to you. To me, it's country music.
2. Learn to sing as many soothing, mellow songs as you can, a capella.
Because the last thing you want to be doing is fumbling your way through Sublime's SANTARIA at 3am, realizing that wait a second, this song is a about revenge killing, maybe I shouldn't be singing this to my baby.
ADVANCED PREPARATION: Learn to hum every song by Mozart. Doctors say it helps brain development. Or at least, I think that's what they say. See: Questions for Doctors About Music
3. Get in shape
Especially your back and core. And endurance.
Do yoga, run, and buy a 15 lb medicine ball. Work out with that sucker. I mean, cradle it, carry all day. Pretend it's moving around in your arms, trying to escape. Bounce with it while sitting on a fitness ball for at least an hour at 4 AM.
I mean, BOUNCE. Like you mean it. Like you're soothing a screaming baby who won't sleep for anything..
ADVANCED PREPARATION: Train yourself to get by on five hours of sleep a night or less. Yes, I'm serious.
4. Build Up An Immunity to Screaming
Have you noticed screaming has come up a lot in these preparations? Maybe it won't be the case with your kid, but in my experience, baby crying = baby screaming. And I was not prepared.
So, you can program your iPod to play baby screams that periodically interrupt anything you're doing, or...
5. Babysit for Your Friends With Babies
Your friends will appreciate it, and you'll get some real, hands-on learning. The last thing you want is to be in the hospital and asking a surly nurse to show you how to change your own son's diaper. **
ADVANCED PREPARATION: Ask a good friend / relatives if you can hang out with them while THEY watch the baby. Observe their advanced techniques. See how they manage everything. Take notes, ask them questions, and hey, still help out!
6. Finish All of Your Projects
Were you going to paint the house? Organize your sock drawer? Write that novel? Learn Chinese? Now is the time to do anything you don't want to put on hold for 2 years.
And...that's it! You're prepared to have that baby!
(Muhahahahahahahahahahaha)
-ND
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* In all seriousness, if you're going to be a father, read these two books: WHAT TO EXPECT - THE FIRST YEAR and BE PREPARED - A PRACTICAL HANDBOOK FOR DADS. Those links will take you to Amazon, but you can buy them anywhere, or find them used, or hey, I have a copy of each, if you are my actual friend*** let me know, and I'll give them to ya!
**It doesn't matter how nicely you say, "I've never done this before, can you show me?" the nurse will still look at you like you're the world's biggest idiot. And essentially, compared to her, you are.
*** Facebook "friends" count!
